Transforming Prayer
/In my younger days, I approached God like a cosmic candy machine. I put my prayer quarter in, made my selection, and waited for my request to rain down into my waiting hands. Of course, this only seemed to work some of the time. More often than not, I did not get exactly what I asked for . . the date, the parking space, the healing of someone beloved. Leaving me scratching my head . . . How could God give me G7, which I so clearly pushed E3?!? Or wanting to shake the machine in my desperate grief when it was a disappointment of truly life-and-death magnitude. How could you God?
Was there something wrong with my faith? Sadly, in many faith communities, we are taught that if we do not get what we pray for, there must have been something wrong with our prayer. Maybe we only had a dime’s worth of faith, when it really required a quarter. Maybe we didn’t get quite specific enough in our request. Maybe we didn’t believe strongly enough that God would deliver.
What a terrible wound to inflict on someone already grieving a loss or disappointment. As if God’s goodness toward us rests on our getting prayer “right,” whatever that means.
I came to see that my approach to prayer, while appropriate for a child, was, well . . . childish. I imagined that my prayers could change the heart and mind of God, as if they needed changing. I really thought I had much better ideas than God of what I or someone I loved or the world really needed, and that God was counting on me to let Him (God was always a man in my childhood world) in on it, and preferably get as many of my friends in on the request, so God couldn’t miss it.
I came to understand that God was not a candy machine, not at all. And prayer was not meant to be transactional, but rather transformational. And who was it that needed transforming? Oh right, it was me. But again, not in a guilt-inducing, shaming, you-better-change-or-else way. But did I want to grow in peace and gratitude and love and hope? Then I might need to abide in God’s love longer, look for God’s gifts with more attention, seek God’s wisdom more regularly.
I still remember the first time I experienced contemplative prayer. Experience may be too strong a word, but I was invited to sit in silence for twenty minutes along with others. I thought I was going to jump out of my skin! I could find no peace or rest in my monkey mind. I couldn’t help but feel like I was doing it “wrong.” And I couldn’t really see the point. How was just sitting there--no words, thoughts or feelings, at least not any I was supposed to hold onto- going to accomplish anything? Again, another faulty idea of God and prayer was exposed.
But the more I tried on various contemplative prayer practices--centering prayer, lectio divina, the examen, compassion meditation, silent retreat-- the more invaluable they became to me. After twenty years of praying in these new, yet ancient ways, I can honestly say I don’t know who I would be or what my life would be like without them. They have led to a depth of faith, hope and love I never thought possible. And lest that sounds arrogant, let me be clear . . . those qualities are not my own, but from a Source utterly beyond me, willing to fill us up if we but bring our empty little cup. It’s been quite humbling actually, to realize and admit how little power and control I have over anything, including myself.
The older I get, it’s harder to define or even describe prayer. I do believe in the power of it, more than ever, but it’s far more mysterious to say how it “works.” I believe in bringing my all into it - my longing and fear, my gratitude and grief, even my anger and desperate attempts at control. I have come to believe that God is so vast, so loving, so merciful, so faithful, there is no better place for all of me to go. And then there’s a lot more space for listening, watching, waiting, receiving. I feel vulnerable, open, malleable. And sometimes when I let it all go, God gives me something beyond my wildest dreams, and I stand there stunned and grateful at the wonder of it all.
As vast and mysterious, personal and vulnerable as prayer is, I love at least trying to think and write and talk about it with other seekers. This month, in continuation of our annual theme Another Way, the Wellsprings Contemplative Prayer Circles on Tuesday evenings will focus on Another Way to Pray. Not sure yourself how to think about or approach prayer? I hope you’ll consider joining us, in either the VIRTUAL circle on FIRST and THIRD Tuesdays, or the LIVE circle on SECOND and FOURTH Tuesdays at the Atlanta Friends Meeting House in Decatur. We’ll reflect on our understanding and experience of prayer, while continuing to try on these contemplative prayer practices together. You can read more here, or email me if you’d like to come or be on the mailing list to receive the reminders and links.